pain is individual. there have been times in my life when i've been knocked down and couldn't get up for a long while. i have struggled more than once in my life totally lost, gripped by overwhelming fear and pain virtually paralyzed; stark raving mad. it has never been easy to discern what precipitates my descent to such a dark place. becoming willing to simply be present is what enables me to heal just enough to transcend the pain which consumes and devastates me; swallows my mind, body and spirit whole. it is only through being present in a given moment, however painful that moment may be, that i can feed my spirit, and heal.
i now realize that my depression was actually overwhelming grief and loss and symptoms of ptsd from being repeatedly traumatized. it is what it is. whatever i am feeling, i gotta be willing to feel it, not avoid or disguise it. but, i also gotta be willing to let it go; to be ready to feel something else---i gotta be open to possibilities, willing to believe in my ability to transcend my difficulties. ready to experience something better. to say out loud the things i am afraid to even think; even though it's impossible not think these things, is critical. uttering my fears aloud to another person. trying not to think of what i fear, or feel the pain of my grief and loss; is to deny who i am. these thoughts and feelings are real, and serve a useful purpose. having my grief remain unspoken, made it grow; it kept me from being open to gifts manifest within myself; my experience.
i don't think i'll ever get good at it. i don't believe getting good at it is the point. to keep on keeping on even if, or especially when, i'm struggling with my grief may be the point. i need to remember life is not a destination, it is a journey; i forget this when i'm struggling. i need to remember all of it: my joy, my pain, my success, my failure. seeking acceptance for what was, gratitude for what is, i have hope for the future.
i am blessed, i am present.
photo credit mylifeyoga.com
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