I feel like it is never going to end. I am a mother who everyday has the blessing of having my son, at all. It is bittersweet, however. Rarely does my son show the personality the drugs obscure almost totally. That he is now taking larger quantities than he ever did in the years he was seen at CWCMH is hard to fathom. The reality for me is that I feel as I am hastening his demise. It is not an easy thing to realize that informed consent, client and family driven care are not on the agenda for the local providers, at least not for my son. Dr. Jennings is the worst kind of doctor--a doctor who attends to a person in crisis in an inpatient setting whom he has never met; and does not bother to speak to anyone who knows him, how he lives, his functional capacity, or what precipitated his crisis. He probably would not think it important.
I know it is though; Isaac said it is. My son had been dealing with some very difficult realizations. Like the fact that he observed, when watching a show of a guy teaching 5th graders math tricks, "I used to be able to do that." Or when he asked in agony, "how could they take so much from me?" This was when talking about how the massive amounts of drugs were forced on him at CSTC, "They traumatized me over and over and over." My heart aches for my boy. I tried, I really did. Jack McCellan told me I had no say, because he was a ward of the state. The man lied. He broke the law, the ethics guidelines of the medical profession, my son's spirit and my heart. I cannot tell you what hurts worse, it's all is utterly devastating.
What I know though is my son has a tremendous heart and a belief that as he says, "My family knows what happened and they believe in me, I'm going to get better." I know that it is true and I am so very grateful that he knows it too.