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photo by ELŻBIETA KRUSZEWSKA photos |
I don't what it takes for anyone else, heck sometimes I don't know what it takes for me...I have had some experiences that a whole lot of people can't relate to, I say this not to garner any particular sentiment; just as a statement of fact. In all reality, I am grateful; because I would not want anyone to go through what my son has. What I have experienced as his mom has on a regular basis triggered my own "issues," I am told it is understandable that it has; and I believe that. I don't want to look at my injury though, because I know from experience, that I can become incapacitated; which is simply not an option...
I am no longer a victim. My son was victimized at the age of three, and now, twenty+ years later, he continues to struggle to feel safe; and have any confidence in himself---or trust and have any confidence in other people. I am so grateful that he trusts me; and I respect the fact that he has no trust in, or desire to be around other people much. I hope he can regain some confidence in people and learn that some people can be trusted. It's all I can do to breathe easily some days, but it's just life. It's my life. Most of the time I am so very aware of how truly blessed I've been; but once in a while, something takes all the wind from me, and in those moments I forget:
I am a MadMother: I am not a victim. I am a witness.
I am a survivor. I am blessed.
I am a survivor. I am blessed.
"No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its power of acting and reasoning as fear."
Edmund Burke
6 comments:
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain. Frank Herbert, Dune
Dune is worth reading for many reasons Father/Son and Mother/Son dynamics are two of them.
You are not only a mother, and a survivor, but someone we look up to in our own dark nights and say- if she can get through it all, so can we.
You are in other words, an inspiration,
Odysseus,
My brother Mark told me I should read Dune when we were kids...I really like the quote you posted, Thank you for sharing it.
Susan,
Thank you for the kind words, and thanks for calling me too. My phone is out of commission until I dry it out...
Becky, fear is an illusion. When you don't see the changes in the world around you and fear that so much needs to be done that you can't anymore, this doesn't mean it's not there. In reality, that means you have done more than you are aware of. That's already there, you just have to see it; but it won't be there till you look. Look without being scared it's not there, and you'll see it. And we (us humans) aren't separate. Its OK to let down your guard and feel compassion for the people who lead others astray. Who knows what they went through to be so confused. In many ways they're the victim; they've completely lost faith in what human nature is, which is their task to discover, otherwise they wouldn't be here. They weren't made in a chemical factory. When you look at all the amazing things that are around you in the world, how someone could see some sort of error when it's not there at all, that means they're not looking at what is there. It's OK to rest, look at the beauty around you, enjoy what you're given, enjoy the harmony that's there. And since we're not separate, that strengthens the light for everyone that says it is possible; and fear has no say about it anymore. And this breaks the idea of separation which would make us think we need to judge others and exert massive energy to change them. We all do this. All of us.
Roelof,
Thank you so much for your kind comment and your support.
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