I have never transcended any difficulty, or resolved any crisis "all by myself." Life is large in ways that is very difficult to accept at times. There are things that I have come to believe are my responsibility to rectify; in as much as I am able. I cannot do it alone, and I cannot fail to do everything in my power. There are ugly truths that I have been choking on. I've been choking back tears of frustration and outrage; choking back words I long to say, scream, shout. Every instinct, awareness and belief I hold dear tells me that what I am faced with is unacceptable. How I feel about virtually every aspect of reality has been forever altered over the last three years. I believe it's better to know the truth. Nonetheless, reality can have a real bite, that can fucking hurt like hell. What I believe, what I know that is right, good and real is unchanged; but my every day reality taking care of my disabled son, is evidence that what I once believed about people in general, what I once believed about justice; what I once believed about the law, and what I once believed about my country itself, had little, if any resemblance to reality as I experience it today. Truth, Justice, 'The American Way' was just marketing; a catchy slogan for Saturday morning cartoons. Propaganda fed like pablum to the masses; not reality as I know it...
Honor, integrity and living by ethical principles are not necessities for some---not having these qualities appears to be no impediment to achieving financial, social, political and/or professional success. I know down in my marrow that living by these principles matters; that's enough. There are people who seem to have no difficulty achieving success without them. It is not admirable. I don't envy or pity them. I only wish they had no power to harm my precious son--Still, I wish this; even though wishing for anything was left behind with my shattered illusions. I know that truth, integrity, honor and justice should be guiding principles in the social service and the Justice systems in the United States of America; I'm devastated to know that these principles are not even paid lip-service...
One more time, and it likely will not be the last, I tell myself to:
I miss my Dad so very much when I feel like this...
first posted 10-20-2011 updated 5-14-2013
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