I am so full of hurt and pain sometimes I can hardly breathe. The lack of understanding that people who have not had any negative experiences with the "mental health system" is understandable; lack of understanding and worse lack of acceptance from people who have, is too much to take. I have been writing my blog since September 4, 2010 and I have shared myself in my writing in a way which has been, in effect, a laying it all out there---who I am and what I have gone through---the real unadulterated me---It is, in all reality, the most difficult and painful thing I have ever done.
I am sensitive, perhaps overly so, I don't know. It is how I am. I feel that which hurts me, and I feel in this moment utterly hopeless. I have not experienced the planet as a safe place, I have a past filled with traumatic experiences, and have had PTSD since I was a kid. Sometimes are better than others, and those times seem to be getting further apart and of shorter duration; especially in the last couple of years.
I am sensitive, perhaps overly so, I don't know. It is how I am. I feel that which hurts me, and I feel in this moment utterly hopeless. I have not experienced the planet as a safe place, I have a past filled with traumatic experiences, and have had PTSD since I was a kid. Sometimes are better than others, and those times seem to be getting further apart and of shorter duration; especially in the last couple of years.
My heart and my mind are overwhelmed at times with the reality of how unsafe the world is in general; particularly for my youngest son, and for kids like he once was. I have no way out, and struggle at the moment to remember there is perhaps a way through; but I am not positive this is true. If it is true, I do not know at the moment what that is. I have been advocating for myself and my sons since my youngest was five years old, and next month he will be twenty-four. In that time, I have done had very little support from others; for the most part. Occasionally, I have been helped by one of my brothers, and sporadically, other people. I feel isolated and alone most of the time.
I know that how I feel right now will pass. I know that I have to be willing to let these feelings go to be able to feel something else. I want to feel safe, I don't feel safe. I want to help my son, Isaac, feel safe. I want to be able to access help so that perhaps he can recover from the harm he has experienced; there is no real prospect of this in sight. I am motivated by love for my son; he deserves so much better than what he has thus far received.
We were not singled out. We are not the only ones harmed by psychiatric oppression. The unethical, and at times illegal manner that social services and mental health "care" were implemented, was traumatizing. The fact of the matter is the services we were given were requently not what was needed, or recommended. The fact that service providers paid for with Federal Child Welfare and Medicaid funds filtered through Department of Social and Health Services, and authorized by Children's Administration violated our human rights, more often than not harmed us. A conservative estimate is that a million dollars of Medicaid and Child Welfare fraud paid for the care and services provided to my son and my family.
I am so very aware of what a blessing it is that my son survived what was done to him. My son was tortured; a guinea pig used to trial drugs in the state's only psychiatric facility for children, in violation of State Fedral and International Laws. I know he was not singled out, or treated at a different or lower standard than other kids. Knowing that there has been no criminal investigation of the felony crimes committed against my son, by CSTC's Medical Director, I can only conclude that this sort of criminal mistreatment is considered acceptable. It is not acceptable to me, I know that no child should be treated like my precious son has been.
Children who are in need of care and protection, children who through no fault of their own, become wards of the State are not defended when those who have a duty to them are not held accountable for breaking the Law. It is apparent to me the failure to hold individuals accountable for criminal conduct, i.e. State employees and contracted "care" providers who commit crimes and those who know or suspect and fail to act on the victim's behalf an commit the misdemeanor crime of Failure to Report, is a significant contributory factor.
The problem is entrenched because "investigations" are being conducted by individuals with interests of their own to protect without any training in the Law, the Rules of Evidence, documenting evidence, or conducting investigations. It is obviously negligent to appoint people without the necessary skills or the training required to conduct fact-finding "investigations." It is foolish and perhaps unethical to appoint those who work for/with the individual or entity being investigated. Such a person has a paycheck to protect. A person who in an official capacity is linvestigating colleagues or their employer may be biased, without being aware of their bias. Biases prevent objectivity, may cause an investigator to ignore relevent information or attach importance to irrelevent information. A person's biases may motivate an investigator to protect their co-worker/s and/or their employer.
All humans have biases. At best, we are minimally aware of our personal biases; and unaware of the influence biases have upon perceptions, perspectives, and behaviors.
State employees should not be conducting investigations that may result in criminal charges, if theyno training in how to conduct fact-finding investigations. Investigators should have a sworn duty to uphold the Law and how to preserve the individual rights of victims and suspects; investigators need to be Officers of the Law. I can only conclude that the primary duty of human services professionals who are State employees or contracted service providers is to protect themselves and their employers. An ethical duty to act in defense of a child or vulnerable adult is secondary to protecting their own person interests. The desire to avoid being held accountable for any failure resulting from carelessness or negligence is a the primary motivator, not the ethical and legal duty that is owed to the children and vulnerable adults served.
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I am so very aware of what a blessing it is that my son survived what was done to him. My son was tortured; a guinea pig used to trial drugs in the state's only psychiatric facility for children, in violation of State Fedral and International Laws. I know he was not singled out, or treated at a different or lower standard than other kids. Knowing that there has been no criminal investigation of the felony crimes committed against my son, by CSTC's Medical Director, I can only conclude that this sort of criminal mistreatment is considered acceptable. It is not acceptable to me, I know that no child should be treated like my precious son has been.
Children who are in need of care and protection, children who through no fault of their own, become wards of the State are not defended when those who have a duty to them are not held accountable for breaking the Law. It is apparent to me the failure to hold individuals accountable for criminal conduct, i.e. State employees and contracted "care" providers who commit crimes and those who know or suspect and fail to act on the victim's behalf an commit the misdemeanor crime of Failure to Report, is a significant contributory factor.
The problem is entrenched because "investigations" are being conducted by individuals with interests of their own to protect without any training in the Law, the Rules of Evidence, documenting evidence, or conducting investigations. It is obviously negligent to appoint people without the necessary skills or the training required to conduct fact-finding "investigations." It is foolish and perhaps unethical to appoint those who work for/with the individual or entity being investigated. Such a person has a paycheck to protect. A person who in an official capacity is linvestigating colleagues or their employer may be biased, without being aware of their bias. Biases prevent objectivity, may cause an investigator to ignore relevent information or attach importance to irrelevent information. A person's biases may motivate an investigator to protect their co-worker/s and/or their employer.
All humans have biases. At best, we are minimally aware of our personal biases; and unaware of the influence biases have upon perceptions, perspectives, and behaviors.
State employees should not be conducting investigations that may result in criminal charges, if theyno training in how to conduct fact-finding investigations. Investigators should have a sworn duty to uphold the Law and how to preserve the individual rights of victims and suspects; investigators need to be Officers of the Law. I can only conclude that the primary duty of human services professionals who are State employees or contracted service providers is to protect themselves and their employers. An ethical duty to act in defense of a child or vulnerable adult is secondary to protecting their own person interests. The desire to avoid being held accountable for any failure resulting from carelessness or negligence is a the primary motivator, not the ethical and legal duty that is owed to the children and vulnerable adults served.
It is out of a duty I have to the children who end up in state custody that I write and attempt to engage other's interest at all. On a personal level, my overwhelming grief about what was done to my son and my family have left me with no personal desire to know any more people. My worst fear is that further harm will be done to my son. If my life, and what was done to my son and my family have any positive meaning, the meaning will be derived from our story serving the purpose of being a warning to others. What was done, is done. I must share what I've learned; in the hope it may spare another child, another family from the same horrific experiences my family has survived.
The emotional toll is steep; knowing I am not complicit, my reward.
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