Rebel Without A Pause

I realized that I have not had since I was four anything more than skeptical at best, attitude towards anyone in any position of authority, it is unfortunate that I had reason to be suspicious.  It is doubly so that my suspicious and hostile behaviors were not seen in the context they had developed; and were coping strategies, and protective adaptations.  I was a mouthy kid, and loud a class clown.  I had an inner reality that was pretty far removed from my actual one.  Another coping mechanism.  The reality is, I had good reason for my "bad attitude," which ultimately doesn't matter.  My attempts to cope with or avoid further trauma, and the behaviors that I used in my attempts  are now handicaps that are blocking me from effectively functioning how I would like to.

So, it is not my need for coping and protective strategies, that are the issue.  What I initially chose and then felt compelled to do never did resolve any issues, but in fact, prevented healing and resulted in further harm to myself and everyone around me.  Vices became habits, which then became handicaps.  My inability to deal with childhood pain and trauma, led me down a painful path and effectively prevented recovery.  I know now that I used all of my coping mechanisms past the time of needing them.  I do not need to justify my behavior, but to modify it through the spiritual discipline that has given me the only real measure of peace I've had, in my adult life.

My anger and resentment have never been totally abated.  Both are causing harm, and have done nothing but cause harm.  I have these ugly flaws, which I don't want; but have not found success in giving them up.  At the root of it, I am certain that it is  myself I am most angry with, and have the most resentment for.  I am experiencing the consequences of my own behavior; and if that is not discipline of a sort I don't know what is.

How I could have made so many bad choices, while mired in my childhood trauma; only to escape into a horror filled existence where further trauma is a natural consequence?   My world of make believe was so cracked by then; it was not the shelter it once was.  I created this wasteland of emotional scars and unfulfilled promise from what were once my dreams and hopes for the future; lost in a netherworld to which I never belonged nor claimed; and was unaware in any real or meaningful sense of what was happening, or why.  Walking wounded, blinded to what was or was not, real.  I was raw.  I was unaware that it was my own choices and rebellious, disrespectful attitudes that were the problem, and were also the only things I could change.  I believed my life was happening to me; not being run aground by me.

I know how to isolate in a crowd.  It is not with any pride that I say this, but with sadness.  In isolation, I developed and maintained my belief that "I am invisible" (also known as the "I do not really matter") belief.  This belief has caused much of my emotional damage and is my oldest coping mechanism, it has also been the hardest to effectively change.

Anger and defiance are not on the list of traits that win friends and influence people.  Having them will definitely influence people.  This type of influence in fact gifts me with further consequences; consequences which become the motivations for dealing with, then changing how I respond to and treat situations and conflict.  The choices are mine, to make.  I am aware once again, that I was in so much pain and have so much anger I can hardly breathe.  Once again my prayer and my mantra is, "God save me from being angry, thy will be done...Amen."

It's been said....
"All day long you been building walls.  You been building walls all day.  Putting ceilings on your feelings, when they should be flying away." from  Second Guessing Jonny Lang